Father's Day

 Growing up father's day was fun. Getting / making my dad a gift was fun. Seeing him smile on receiving my card and present was fun. Getting a hug from him was fun.

Then in 2012 my dad was diagnosed with cancer with two weeks to live not fun. Sending him a bear with a card saying just beginning to fight was optimistic. Him calling the bear fighter was fun. Texting my dad during his treatment was fun. 

Dad was getting treatment, surgery, healthy it was good. Pain beyond his pain management plan and more cancer was not good. Watching him prepare to die and go through palliative care really sucked.

The night i got the call after a normal day broke my heart. The years since have been not the same. Grief sucks. Lead up to days like birthdays, father's day and Christmas really suck as I get emails, tv ads and catalogues encouraging people to purchase stuff for their dads. 

As I am writing this blog tears are streaming down my face as my heart hurts because in 17 minutes its father's day and my dad is not here. 

Father's day reminds me that I no longer buy presents or cards for fathers day instead i post a tribute to my brother whose a dad, to my uncles (my mums brothers) who reach out to me to make im ok on days like birthdays or fathers day. Right now I am not ok. I am sad and processing my emotions. But tomorrow when i wake up and focus on other people at my job. Because that is what I do to get through the hard times and go home. Eat junk food, post my tribute and binge watch tv to refill my tank mentally to continue living life and hopefully find the good moments during Father's Day

I miss you daddy - happy father's day in heaven 

I'm different

I have known I was different for awhile and when I was younger as a child I was oblivious which was good cause ignorance is bliss.

I discovered along the way I'm an introvert, am intelligent but not academic. 

I care about people, feel uncomfortable in big social groups.

I feel self conscious, at times miss social cues, at times do not care about social cues, I can read body language if I am being observant.

I am a peace maker.

I want people to listen to what I have to say and not know how to politely intercept a conversation to put forward my point of view with people smarter than me or I feel inferior around.
Having someone tell me I will be even more different and being aware of it. Makes me resistant to testing.

Due to being a carer I know a lot about people considered different due to physical and mental affects that may or may not be changed or improved.