Feeling Sorry For Myself

Its been a hard year.

First my dad died in May from Cancer that ended a journey that started in June last year. It was a long emotional journey that involved chemo for 3 months, an operation to remove cancer damaged digestive tract, a great Christmas with dad recovering from operation and then in February this year a new cancer near his pelvis.

It killed the dream of my dad walking me down the aisle when I eventually get married if I ever do. And dancing with him to "Cinderella" song by Steven Curtis Chapman. When my mum was in town we talked about it and she said I left if too late. Its not like I want to be single at the age of 32.

No guy has been interested in me to ask me out on a date. A matchmaking group has not responded to my request to join their group. Its only been since I started my current job that I've been emotionally ready for a husband and children. Previously I've only wanted the children.

I'm still tempted to just go to a club one night and sleep with someone just so I can have baby. But then reality comes into play and I want the whole thing. I want someone to love me for who I am, to know me better than I know myself. Like my dad he knew me that way, encouraged me when I needed, verbally kicked me up the backside when I went off track, Loved to hug me and dance at the same time when I just woke up.

This is making crying just thinking about it. I hate this grieving period. It sucks especially with Christmas coming up. I'm working on Christmas so will be celebrating Christmas with my family the weekend before Christmas.

I want to have at least 2 children. Have a husband who treasures me, can handle my randomness, make me feel loved and beautiful and willing to know me deeper levels of who I am.

I'm tired, how low blood sugar yes to add to my fun I have diabetes and will end up on meds for it cause I'm an emotional wreck and so over it.

Cause I can't stick to a diet, exercise program and lose weight. I think I have a subconscious issue that might think I'm not worth being loved or being a size 16 to 18. I even bought myself a wedding dress last year based on misguided attempt to move closer to marriage.

Plus I've been listening to Mark Gungor Singleness and stinking thinking which is definitely messing with my head and beliefs about singleness and marriage.