Father's Day

 Growing up father's day was fun. Getting / making my dad a gift was fun. Seeing him smile on receiving my card and present was fun. Getting a hug from him was fun.

Then in 2012 my dad was diagnosed with cancer with two weeks to live not fun. Sending him a bear with a card saying just beginning to fight was optimistic. Him calling the bear fighter was fun. Texting my dad during his treatment was fun. 

Dad was getting treatment, surgery, healthy it was good. Pain beyond his pain management plan and more cancer was not good. Watching him prepare to die and go through palliative care really sucked.

The night i got the call after a normal day broke my heart. The years since have been not the same. Grief sucks. Lead up to days like birthdays, father's day and Christmas really suck as I get emails, tv ads and catalogues encouraging people to purchase stuff for their dads. 

As I am writing this blog tears are streaming down my face as my heart hurts because in 17 minutes its father's day and my dad is not here. 

Father's day reminds me that I no longer buy presents or cards for fathers day instead i post a tribute to my brother whose a dad, to my uncles (my mums brothers) who reach out to me to make im ok on days like birthdays or fathers day. Right now I am not ok. I am sad and processing my emotions. But tomorrow when i wake up and focus on other people at my job. Because that is what I do to get through the hard times and go home. Eat junk food, post my tribute and binge watch tv to refill my tank mentally to continue living life and hopefully find the good moments during Father's Day

I miss you daddy - happy father's day in heaven 

I'm different

I have known I was different for awhile and when I was younger as a child I was oblivious which was good cause ignorance is bliss.

I discovered along the way I'm an introvert, am intelligent but not academic. 

I care about people, feel uncomfortable in big social groups.

I feel self conscious, at times miss social cues, at times do not care about social cues, I can read body language if I am being observant.

I am a peace maker.

I want people to listen to what I have to say and not know how to politely intercept a conversation to put forward my point of view with people smarter than me or I feel inferior around.
Having someone tell me I will be even more different and being aware of it. Makes me resistant to testing.

Due to being a carer I know a lot about people considered different due to physical and mental affects that may or may not be changed or improved. 

Plan B Wish list

Im nearly forty, single, no kids and it seems impossible to my overthinking brain.

I have decided to make two life plan wish lists for the next 20 years. One for my ultimate dream and the other my Plan B list that will kick in 5 years. There will be crossovers but if I am destined to be single and the aunty that has fun then i need a back up plan.

I will dream big, not let current circumstances limit my lists. Anything is possible! Will post them once I have 20 items on each. 

I am putting my wish list in writing. As Steve Harvey quote the bible - you have not because you ask not.

Well i am asking - God I am going to ask for Big things, expand my mind with  no limitations to dream the impossible!

Letter to mum

Dear Mum

Two years ago you officially went to heaven. Im struggling to find the words to express all i want to say as tears roll down my face as you would be hugging me right now if we were face to face. The deep sadness in my heart makes it hard to breathe.

I hate that i can't ring you and chat about my day or plan new holidays to places we can travel together. Or message about tv shows like when calls the heart. Its had two more seasons since we last watched it together.

I now work for different groups and resigned from previous job. I should have listened to you four years ago and looked for other work when they reduced my hours. You just seemed to know these things.

I love that you taught me to crochet as its my stress relief from life. I have reduced the length of panels 2 years later 😁.

I'm still single and found planning trips gives me hope and makes life easier though had to cancel due to COVID19. Though still have hopefully a 28 day cruise I can do for my fortieth birthday. I also have an idea for a USA train like road trip I'm thinking of doing next year.

You now have three grandchildren and would have loved them with all you heart. Sorry none from me yet. Its fun seeing the vidoes and photos of them all on social media as their mums share glimpses of their lives. Its fun watching them embrace life without fear.

Well thats all for now give dad a hug from me.

Love you lots

From

Me

2019 things i have learned

Five days into a new year, a new decade n a new day.

I have been thinking at random moments after reading people's social media posts about what they had learnt in 2019

1. I can assemble easy to do flat packs with less than 30 parts includes screws, nuts, bolts, lock key, boards and plastic pieces
2. I can save money while on centrelink income support
3. I should let myself work throw emotion and best done while either typing about it or handwriting in a journal
4. Family can aim sharp emotional daggers during mental and physical exhaustion or illness and not comprehenend how deep while suggesting you get counseling
5. I talk unfiltered when nervous and tired
6. Overthinking and fear can prevent me from having a good time or making travel plans
7. I need to resign from a job instead of waiting for other shoe to drop
8. I am better at sorting and getting rid of other people's stuff
9. When together with family i do housework in a timely fashion
10. I do not like to feel or made to feel stupid or patronised by people

This list is just what i can think of right now but i think some of it is new and other's i have know but never fully tried or contemplated.

But i have 359 days to live andlearn from this year so bring it on.

Who I Am

On Saturday I turned 39 just one more year until I'm 40.


Today I was feeling sorry for myself thinking about what I had done to myself and where I am in life during a flight home.


Then I got thinking about who I am but in a positive light and here's what I came while walking from airport to shopping centre


- I am a single woman with no children
- I like to wear shorts and skirts with comfortable shirts
- I like wearing sketches
- I love to travel
- on overseas trips I make lists of what I food I would like to eat and tourist attractions I would like to visit
- someone who takes selfies of myself with landmarks and of food I eat
- I love my 2 year niece and spending time with her and buying her books and clothes
- planning holidays gives me hope
- I like eating savory food
- I like eating vegetables
- I enjoy a good roast meal with gravy
- I only like eating savory or sweet fruit
- I enjoy taking snapchat photos with their fun filters
- I like watching animation movies, hallmark movies and mysteries, romantic comedies
- I like reading historical fiction, murder murders all with hint of romance
- I like to watch reality tv shows - housewives, cooking shows and great british bakeoff, Back in time series
- I like watching musicals
- enjoy dancing to music
- I like dairy milk chocolate
- I like caring and helping people
- I do not like being patronize or treated like I'm stupid
- enjoy giving people presents
- I can say stupid stuff that can hurt people without meaning to
- I can stand by my opinion and morals


I would like to
- be married and have 2 children
- weight 80 to 90 kgs
- go on a motorcycle ride
- travel to England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Hawaii, Bali, New York, Boston, Chicago, Lancaster County, San Francisco,
- travel locally to Adelaide, Cairns, Sunshine Coast, Melbourne, Perth


I think I know myself better than I thought

Wonder park

I just finished watching wonder park and loved the story. One scene near the end made me cry as i will never be able to do that ever again is to be reunited with my mum as she is now in heaven.

In 12 days i will be 39 and not where i thought i would be in life. I thought i would be married and have at least two children. But it was not meant to be. I have a neice that i love to bits. Buying her stuff to wear, read and play with is fun. But at times i'm jealous and envious of my sister of having a child that loves life and getting to watch her grow up.

I have always been a bit behind the normal path. I got my license when i was 24, went to college when i was 23, started travelling in my 30s, enjoyed books not making friends during school life.

But its hard thinking it may never be part of my life. As i like looking after people and watching them enjoy life as my job enables me to do.

But here's hoping there next 365 days bring more fun, laughter, tears, good moments with friends and family and great music to groove to.