Plan B Wish list

Im nearly forty, single, no kids and it seems impossible to my overthinking brain.

I have decided to make two life plan wish lists for the next 20 years. One for my ultimate dream and the other my Plan B list that will kick in 5 years. There will be crossovers but if I am destined to be single and the aunty that has fun then i need a back up plan.

I will dream big, not let current circumstances limit my lists. Anything is possible! Will post them once I have 20 items on each. 

I am putting my wish list in writing. As Steve Harvey quote the bible - you have not because you ask not.

Well i am asking - God I am going to ask for Big things, expand my mind with  no limitations to dream the impossible!

Letter to mum

Dear Mum

Two years ago you officially went to heaven. Im struggling to find the words to express all i want to say as tears roll down my face as you would be hugging me right now if we were face to face. The deep sadness in my heart makes it hard to breathe.

I hate that i can't ring you and chat about my day or plan new holidays to places we can travel together. Or message about tv shows like when calls the heart. Its had two more seasons since we last watched it together.

I now work for different groups and resigned from previous job. I should have listened to you four years ago and looked for other work when they reduced my hours. You just seemed to know these things.

I love that you taught me to crochet as its my stress relief from life. I have reduced the length of panels 2 years later 😁.

I'm still single and found planning trips gives me hope and makes life easier though had to cancel due to COVID19. Though still have hopefully a 28 day cruise I can do for my fortieth birthday. I also have an idea for a USA train like road trip I'm thinking of doing next year.

You now have three grandchildren and would have loved them with all you heart. Sorry none from me yet. Its fun seeing the vidoes and photos of them all on social media as their mums share glimpses of their lives. Its fun watching them embrace life without fear.

Well thats all for now give dad a hug from me.

Love you lots

From

Me

2019 things i have learned

Five days into a new year, a new decade n a new day.

I have been thinking at random moments after reading people's social media posts about what they had learnt in 2019

1. I can assemble easy to do flat packs with less than 30 parts includes screws, nuts, bolts, lock key, boards and plastic pieces
2. I can save money while on centrelink income support
3. I should let myself work throw emotion and best done while either typing about it or handwriting in a journal
4. Family can aim sharp emotional daggers during mental and physical exhaustion or illness and not comprehenend how deep while suggesting you get counseling
5. I talk unfiltered when nervous and tired
6. Overthinking and fear can prevent me from having a good time or making travel plans
7. I need to resign from a job instead of waiting for other shoe to drop
8. I am better at sorting and getting rid of other people's stuff
9. When together with family i do housework in a timely fashion
10. I do not like to feel or made to feel stupid or patronised by people

This list is just what i can think of right now but i think some of it is new and other's i have know but never fully tried or contemplated.

But i have 359 days to live andlearn from this year so bring it on.

Who I Am

On Saturday I turned 39 just one more year until I'm 40.


Today I was feeling sorry for myself thinking about what I had done to myself and where I am in life during a flight home.


Then I got thinking about who I am but in a positive light and here's what I came while walking from airport to shopping centre


- I am a single woman with no children
- I like to wear shorts and skirts with comfortable shirts
- I like wearing sketches
- I love to travel
- on overseas trips I make lists of what I food I would like to eat and tourist attractions I would like to visit
- someone who takes selfies of myself with landmarks and of food I eat
- I love my 2 year niece and spending time with her and buying her books and clothes
- planning holidays gives me hope
- I like eating savory food
- I like eating vegetables
- I enjoy a good roast meal with gravy
- I only like eating savory or sweet fruit
- I enjoy taking snapchat photos with their fun filters
- I like watching animation movies, hallmark movies and mysteries, romantic comedies
- I like reading historical fiction, murder murders all with hint of romance
- I like to watch reality tv shows - housewives, cooking shows and great british bakeoff, Back in time series
- I like watching musicals
- enjoy dancing to music
- I like dairy milk chocolate
- I like caring and helping people
- I do not like being patronize or treated like I'm stupid
- enjoy giving people presents
- I can say stupid stuff that can hurt people without meaning to
- I can stand by my opinion and morals


I would like to
- be married and have 2 children
- weight 80 to 90 kgs
- go on a motorcycle ride
- travel to England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Hawaii, Bali, New York, Boston, Chicago, Lancaster County, San Francisco,
- travel locally to Adelaide, Cairns, Sunshine Coast, Melbourne, Perth


I think I know myself better than I thought

Wonder park

I just finished watching wonder park and loved the story. One scene near the end made me cry as i will never be able to do that ever again is to be reunited with my mum as she is now in heaven.

In 12 days i will be 39 and not where i thought i would be in life. I thought i would be married and have at least two children. But it was not meant to be. I have a neice that i love to bits. Buying her stuff to wear, read and play with is fun. But at times i'm jealous and envious of my sister of having a child that loves life and getting to watch her grow up.

I have always been a bit behind the normal path. I got my license when i was 24, went to college when i was 23, started travelling in my 30s, enjoyed books not making friends during school life.

But its hard thinking it may never be part of my life. As i like looking after people and watching them enjoy life as my job enables me to do.

But here's hoping there next 365 days bring more fun, laughter, tears, good moments with friends and family and great music to groove to.

Father's day

I have just read my sister's blog post and it made me mad but also sad for her about what father's day means to her and how well she can articulate it.

Im a single woman nearing her forties, who has never dated, never had a boyfriend and has no children. Some of it is due to my relationship with my father. I have been able to sympathise about some of what he has gone thru like his PTSD, lack of debriefing from work situations, some of his health issues but not all of it.

Due to my dads ptsd from his 15 years as a paramedic i decided to never have a partner who was in the emergency services as i experienced the impact it has on families.

Due to my own health scare over 10 years ago i understand a little about flashbacks hitting u from nowhere. Also about not taking pills for stuff after the pills i myself took during a intense 6 months as part of health scare.

My dad knew his own mind, he knew his childrens personalities well but also could use it growing up to have us line up with his opinions and beliefs.

I do have great memories of just chilling with my dad. But also memories of moments that have impacted my childhood and adulthood.

The one good thing my dad gave me was to introduce me to Jesus which even going thru some interesting stuff the last 6 years has stopped me from really going off the rails.

So due to the complicated puzzle that was my dad I have some daddy issues, a interesting relationship with God, a lack of hope i will have my own family and marriage but most of all i miss my hug dances i had with my dad or just watching movies n just spending time together. But i am grateful he met my mum as since both my parents have passed i have my mums brothers who check in at times and were supportive during the grieving process of both parents since 2013.

Being an aunty

I discovered on social media that i am now have a new nephew. Just over two years ago i became an aunty twice over with a neice and nephew born on the same day five hours apart to my younger sibblings. The 48 hour lead up wss exciting with my mum texting updates.
I am blessed that i can spoil my beautiful neice and get regular photos. Whereas due to life situations only see my nephew via social media.

This morning seeing the photo of my new nephew made me think of my mum and how she will never meet this grandchild but then she had a tight connection within her fsith relationship so may have seen it during her final days.

On my front i am slightly envious cause i would love to have children but it requires a man in your life and i have never had that. And have lost hope it will ever happen even though the desire for it is there.

So i will put my energies into loving and spoiling my neice as both my parents did for me.