Interesting year

Since 8 May 2019 a lot has gone on in my life.

- my mum passed after a 16 months fight with cancer. She was ready to be in heaven with my dad.
- i resigned from my job after 7 years, 7 months and 2 days
- it took 5 months to get a new job
- during those 5 months i sorted through stuff i had accumulated over last 5 years
- i went to counseling and my counselor said after my 3rd visit that i looked better
- i found a real friendship that i can talk to about everything
- also cutting down my expenses for stuff i no longer wanted to support or needed
- you can get emotionally blocked with sorting n giving away nearly a year of stuff
- that i will not be someone's verbal punching bag
- if you start yelling at me i will go silent
- that i may never get married or have children

What i know about myself

Its been an interesting month with work situations that resulted in a first and final warning that i need to be good for next 3 years so i do not get fired.

I have realised that if i am:

- Stressed i want to sleep
- sick i want to eat, sleep n take my meds
- angry i want to fume n talk about it
- sad i want to find a comedy
- read a book i want to like the characters
- watch a movie i want enjoy it
- depressed i want to laugh n find some positives
- frustrated i want issues to be resolved
- in i dont care mood i will laugh while watching action movie like kings circle, also best time for me to sort thru my hoarding
- happy i want to enjoy the moment
- having a day off stay home in my pjs

I think i am at the angry stage of grief as stuff lately really gets me mad. Hopefully it will move to next stage. As i know month before mum passed i was in denial stage, i griefed stuff i would no longer do within her once mum was in paliative care.

I have two great ladies i can talk work n life with which is great. Also will be seeing a psychiatrist soon so maybe will deal with issues month of may in brothers house that came to emotional surface.

A little respect please

My mums cancer is really giving mum a run for her money o i am home to help look after her. Yet i have a sibling who gets aggro when you disagree or are not a willing removalist. No matter how many times you state your here to help your mum. Instead your seen as lazy spending time with your mum.
I like peace so will do stuff to avoid aggro but please be respectful and not treat me like im stupid, patronize me or be aggressive. I will not handle it will may even disappear for an hour or two or block your number.

The Best of Everything (1959)

Just watched a movie called the Best of Everything. Its about 3 girls who are typists at a publishing company. One girl is quite ambitious and wants to become an editor, one wants to be an actress and one is quite naïve. All the girls want to meet a girl and get married. If you watch it all the way through each girl does meet a girl and fall in love except it does not result in marriage. Each does what they need to do to do what they think is about love including being intimate with their guys. For a single girl watching the movies it makes me feel quite melancholy. The film was made in 1959 obvious the directors take on career girls of that time.


One of the quotes from one of the movies is about the girls all wanting someone to love them and doing what it takes to achieve that even if they have more than one guy while their main guy is not available.


It's still true today where people just want someone to be in their life for companionship and love. Or it is true about me.


Also my sister will be talking about her unplanned pregnancy on insight on Wednesday. I love my niece and seeing her personality, happiness, curious nature. She is so cute.


I have moments where I'm envious and have at times lost hope about ever meeting someone, getting engaged, married and having children.

20 years since i graduated from high school

This year its my 20 year high school reunion. When I was 17 it seemed like an easy yes i will be there but i'm not attending for the most basic of reasons - money

So here are 20 thoughts about 20 years since i first graduated from year 12 (i repeated in 1999)

1. Often money is a reason u do not go somewhere or do something 

2. I thought by now i would be married and with a couple of kids but nope completely single n mostly happy about it (another reason it would be uncomfotable at reunion)

3. Im an aunt to a neice and a nephew who are both very cute both under 6 months (have envious moments occasionally)

4. I have ticked off three major travel plans i had in my late teens early twenties - europe trip, new zealand and Disneyworld 

5. I thought my dad would dance with me at my wedding but sadly he now has a heavenly dance floor for the last 4 years

6. I find it hard to make friends or genuine friendships most end u being acquaintances 

7. My sugar addiction from my younger years became diabetes n its mostly manageable with the assistance of medication 

8. I have not been back to the town i graduated in

9. My mum is my best friend n travel companion

10. I now understand why my mum could not be more than 24 hours away when my dad had cancer

11. Cause mum is now getting medical treatments

12. I was a carer for 3 months of initial treatments

13. Books and movies and tv shows are still my way of escaping reality 

14. When you turn 30 some things are just not worth ur time or worries 

15. I have a daily 6000 steps goal n do not always achieve it

16. Cause sometimes i just want to sleep and procrastinate

17. Life sucks are times just cause...

18. Candles are relaxing n can help to unwind when feeling stressed

19. I talk about random topics when i'm tired

20. If i have a big day ahead like 11 odd hour day or am travelling i find it hard to sleep

Well i started writing this in october n now finished it just before im going away on holidays for two weeks.

Lastly missing your high school reunion is no big deal as long as the people like family are still with u no matter where your post high life takes u thats what really matters!

It's been an interesting 17 months

Well in April/May last year I spent 17 days in Europe. 3 days in London and 14 days touring Italy, France, Switzerland and Barcelona (Spain). I really want to spend more time in London where I can spent time in the parks, visit castles....


I really enjoyed the experience of Europe, the food and sights. Took lots of photos that I still need to print and scrapbook.


Since July 2016 had an up and down journey as a family member is getting medical treatments all started with an intolerance to gluten and the adventure started and is continuing from there. So I am blessed that I went to Europe cause I had a feeling that if I didn't do it last year it may never happen.


Also the NDIS has affected my job some good bits and others not so pleasant. Had fairly constant changes to a previously stable roster which has caused some stress


Also hormones and stress mixed with decision making is not a good mix as sugar and fried food may be craved and consumed :(


Some great news though is that I have become and aunty twice on the same day with a handsome nephew and adorable niece within the last few weeks. Have enough pictures to make a flip book to show off :)


I'm finding typing this is really therapeutic!


Well have some praying and sleeping on it to do


Have fun!


Here's a cool quote to just found in a book I've just read:

“What most women want is someone who makes us feel as if we're the most important thing in their world.” Sarah Donahue by Belle Calhoune

Also:


_{"“Here’s the thing. Walking with our heads down trying to pull the weight of our mistakes doesn’t make them go away. Choice is the only thing that conquers regret. Choosing to learn from our past and waking up with hope on the pillowcase beside us rather than remorse.”" -Robin Bielman}

The Choice - Revelation

I watched the movie The Choice tonight and was utterly charmed.


I got a revelation during the movie about myself


While the hero is charming the heroine I had a thought.


If someone was courting or dating me and they got too close to knowing me as a person I would probably push them away. They would need to get to know me gradually as I think too fast too quick would freak me out. The last person I knew who knew me really well as a person besides God was my dad. I think I would be afraid if I got to know this person too quickly is would scare me that they might go away and never come back and it would take me very long time to recover from that. Its taken 2 years of grieving my dad's passing to start bringing people outside of work and immediate family back into my life.


I've joined a connect group and meeting them for the first time on Wednesday.


Also started attending church with my friend twice in the last month. Will try to commit to attend at least 3 Sunday nights a month.


It Valentine's Day on Sunday. My brother birthday and I've gotten myself and my mum a present.


Going to see Zoolander 2 with my brother on Monday.


Its a way of spending time with my brother its kind of something we have started doing as our thing.


Happy Valentine's Day for Sunday!
Be kind to yourself!
Until Next Time
The Best is Yet to Come - Brian Houston Quote :)