2014 Goals and Dreams

Been having a hard month with work running through my mind. So decided to just enjoy life this year. The big and little moments. To have things to look forward to.

Opportunities to enjoy life:

• Trip to Orlando in August - Achieved & had a blast doing it
• Go to Disneyworld - check
• Go to Walmart - check
• Go to a spa - check
• Have heighless sky diving experience - maybe next time
• Easterfest in April - Get autographs from Shonlock and Evermore plus spend some time with mum and my sister  - Achieved

• Find exercise I enjoy doing at least 30 minutes a day - had the flu twice and both times have tickle in my throat will start in two weeks (9 Sep 2014) doing Zumba classes again :)
• Finish Cert IV in Disability by end of year - I have 1 month to get this done before 11 Apr 14 - aiming for RPL Process - harder to complete than I thought due to administration inconsistencies, may end up re-enrolling, discovered I'm bad at asking for help for myself but I want to finish this as a legacy since my dad gave me this last gift and because he would want me to have this qualification.

Here's to enjoying the moment and keeping the hope alive.


I updated this on 25 August 2014.

Feeling Sorry For Myself

Its been a hard year.

First my dad died in May from Cancer that ended a journey that started in June last year. It was a long emotional journey that involved chemo for 3 months, an operation to remove cancer damaged digestive tract, a great Christmas with dad recovering from operation and then in February this year a new cancer near his pelvis.

It killed the dream of my dad walking me down the aisle when I eventually get married if I ever do. And dancing with him to "Cinderella" song by Steven Curtis Chapman. When my mum was in town we talked about it and she said I left if too late. Its not like I want to be single at the age of 32.

No guy has been interested in me to ask me out on a date. A matchmaking group has not responded to my request to join their group. Its only been since I started my current job that I've been emotionally ready for a husband and children. Previously I've only wanted the children.

I'm still tempted to just go to a club one night and sleep with someone just so I can have baby. But then reality comes into play and I want the whole thing. I want someone to love me for who I am, to know me better than I know myself. Like my dad he knew me that way, encouraged me when I needed, verbally kicked me up the backside when I went off track, Loved to hug me and dance at the same time when I just woke up.

This is making crying just thinking about it. I hate this grieving period. It sucks especially with Christmas coming up. I'm working on Christmas so will be celebrating Christmas with my family the weekend before Christmas.

I want to have at least 2 children. Have a husband who treasures me, can handle my randomness, make me feel loved and beautiful and willing to know me deeper levels of who I am.

I'm tired, how low blood sugar yes to add to my fun I have diabetes and will end up on meds for it cause I'm an emotional wreck and so over it.

Cause I can't stick to a diet, exercise program and lose weight. I think I have a subconscious issue that might think I'm not worth being loved or being a size 16 to 18. I even bought myself a wedding dress last year based on misguided attempt to move closer to marriage.

Plus I've been listening to Mark Gungor Singleness and stinking thinking which is definitely messing with my head and beliefs about singleness and marriage.

2013 Goals and Dreams

It's 5.26pm on Monday 31 December 2012 and just hours from the new year. Going to spend some time with friends this New Year's Eve and then spend some time watching dvds at home.

Thinking about goals and dreams for 2013

Its 12 November 2013 and I'm reviewing my goals for 2013

Here's what I'm aiming for:

• Trip to Orlando in February - in August 2014 will be traveling to Orlando with my mum since we delayed the trip as mum didn't want to be more than 24hrs away from dad as he was dying of Cancer
• Go to Disneyworld
• Go to Walmart
• Easterfest in March - went and really enjoyed myself and found a new artist or two to enjoy - Bec Laughton & Luminate
• Get NewWorld Son and Compliments of Gus autograph
• Enjoy the long long drive
• Lose 15 to 30kg in body weight - still not a reality
• Exercise at least 5 times a week by end of year
• Finish Cert IV in Disability by end of year - I have 5 months to get this done before 11 Apr 14 and will probably be a race to the finish to achieve this.

Well Happy New Year!!! and drive Safe

I wrote a Cute Short Story

Last month my dad found out he no longer has cancer. He's still on pain medication and sleeps a lot. There are things that remind me of my recovery six years ago. Its scary but also helps me help my mum understand what's going on with my dad sort. Since he has a very straightforward personality who likes to be in control.

I follow The Craftie Ladies of Love Inspired and Elnora said I thought since it's writing day, why don't we all come up with a short, short story for this picture. I took this while we were in Arkansas. Can you create a two or three paragraph short tale about this picture. Remember to let your characters tell the story. When I have spare moments, I'll check in and see how we're doing!

This is what I wrote:
'So Aunty how'd you met Uncle?' Katie asked.
"I needed some air partway through my younger sister's garden wedding reception. The sun was just setting so I wondered away to find some quiet. Found myself walking along and gazing at the sunset and heard this voice over my shoulder
'I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.'
'If that's the best line you've got you need your in trouble' I replied.
'I got it off google. But for the effort could I at least get your name.'
I laughed and told him my name was Alisha. We chatted for a bit and then I agreed to one date and the rest is best for another time. And now my favourite niece. It's time for you to not keep that nice young man waiting get down that aisle!'

And then I checked everyday to see what she thought. I really need to get a life if I this desperate for approval or maybe I'm don't feel very confident that what I wrote was any good.

It took sometime to write this as I guess I wanted to follow the guidelines.

Finally received feedback and she said - That is so cute. Thanks for being so brave.!! I wondered if everyone had left the planet!! Sweet story.

And I said - Thanks, yep I was wondering what happened or maybe busy with thanksgiving :)

I guess it's my way of coping with the aftermath of the last couple of months of hoping and praying that my dad would be healed from cancer.

Random Crying and Cancer

DVDs and books use to be my safe place to escape but since my Dad has cancer it's no longer safe.

I was watching a show and two friends hugged and I started crying.

I was reading a book and one of the characters Dad had cancer and I started crying.

Why is cancer destroying my safe place so I can handle life and now my safe place is gone. Books no longer interest me or truthfully I don't want to read about death which is pointless, see people hugging.

I don't want my Dad to die of CANCER and I want to be able to hug him.

Hugging my dad is always fun and he always tries to dance with me and make me laugh.

I'm crying as I'm writing this and I want it to stop.

I need a new safe place to escape from reality! And I'm up for ideas!

CANCER

I just found out this afternoon that my dad has been diagnosed with cancer. I was volunteering in reception as my church today and my dad phoned me asking for one of the pastors the church counsellor was in the foyer and so I gave my phone to him. My dad got him to break the news to me. I started crying straight away. The counsellor, Graham chatted with me after he told me that my dad has cancer. I just had to found something positive in all of it. The best I came up with was if he needed to stay in the spare room that it would have clean sheets as I'd washed them just two days ago. Also that my job as a support worker will enable me to take care of dad if need be. At the moment my dad in the hospital since last night. His cancer is on his esophagus and its progressive. As this type of cancer is not obvious in general tests. At the moment the local doctors are contacting regional doctors to come up with an action plan and which regional location will best suit his situation. I can't seem to able to pray with crying and I hate that cause if I start crying I'm afriad I won't be able to stop. My dad asked me to pray for him and I'd only just gotten my tears under control and so my dad starts praying for me while i'm crying my eyes out. When I got home this afternoon I phoned long distance to the local flourist which is situated opposite the hospital. I arranged to have medium brown bear to be delivered to my dad with a note starting "To Daddy, Just beginning to fight. Love Scraproni" My brother phoned me and said thanks for the bear and that mom loved it and my dad has named him "Fighter". My dad is not a quitter and is a strong Christian man! He will fight this cancer with faith, prayer and a strong Queenslander stance. With God on our side who can be against us! Amen

Sick and Tired of my week

color: black;">This week I've been sick with a head cold and I haven't had anyone in my life ask how I'm going I've been the one telling people how I'm doing. Yesterday I received an email from my gym saying "I noticed we haven’t seen you for a while and was checking to see how everything was going? Don’t forget the best way to reach your goals is to do a Curves Smart workout 3 times per week!" I replied "I've been sick with the flu so haven't had the energy to make it to the gym this week" and their reply was "Get well soon" That's just sad when my gym is worried and no one else really seems to care. I've worked for the last 3 days sucking on butter menthol to fight off a cough, popping chocolates to ward of drowsiness, oh the joys of being a casual. I just finished watching a series finale where a character dies and I cried my eyes out. I was crying due to my grandfather since he reminded of the characters personality quirks. Then today I had a great day still have the cold but I got paid to go sing with a lady I work with and got told that after a three weeks and pending on how well I fit within a new house I will be signed on as a permanent part-time with an average of 28 hours a week. And instead of working during my annual with no pay I will be going on a trip to New Zealand with my mum. Thank you God for blessing me and helping me get through the week.

Great Marriage Proposal Quote:

"Woman you are everything I never realised I needed"

- Cooper