Avoiding negative emotions at Christmas time

 I saw a counsellor recently as I avoid deep connections as due to past experiences with people I thought were friends and family relationships.

The counsellor during our one hour conversation that I was random, observant, had unresolved issues, my live centred on my patents, I am adaptable, a freespirit, a planner and unresolved grief. Also that normally she would be able pinpoint people's issues and wished she could have another appointment sooner than a month away. 

I have a family pre Christmas get together. The last time we did this was my mums last Christmas. I want to avoid arguments that occur when my family gets together.  They don't get me most of the time. With my postive outlook, been told I make broad statements, not as smart as them. 

I have Christmas movies i have bought from Hallmark and other from the library to help me escape the reality of the next 6 days. 

I watch shows like Grey's anatomy, call the midwife and others that help me cry.

Here's hoping to good moments, fun times, good food, good photos and memories to look back on, on Christmas day.

Something is not right!

 As the words that Miss Clavel song on Madeline tv show state - Something is not right, Something is quite wrong.

The last week something has been off

I have been reading more, losing sleep, having more grief moments in the lead up to my fortieth birthday.

Just realised I am grieving not having my parents here for this birthday. Grieving the dream of marriage and children dream. Also grieving the ending of my 30s.

This revelation helps me as knowing something was not quite right bugged me

#madeline #40th #grieving #loveones #lifestages #somethingnotright #song

The List

 Plan A - Original Plan

1. Dating

2. Be Engaged

3. Get Married 

4. Have 2 children 

5. Buy a house

6. Buy a holiday house

7. Once or twice a year family get togethers

8. Write a 150 to 200 page book

9. 

10.

11. 

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14. 

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18. 

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20. 

Plan B - Single Lady, No Dependents

1. Buy a house

2. Buy a holiday house

3. Once or twice a year family get together 

4. Travel to England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales

5. Go on 21 day train trip around USA

6. Holiday in Hawaii 

7. Liposuction 

8. 

9.

10.

11.

12.

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14.

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20.

Turning 40

 The last two weeks I have not been myself.

The exercise classes I have enjoyed going to previously I accidentally missed.

I have been binge watching netflix more often.

I have been reading a lot.

Usually means I am trying escape my reality and Im not sure why except the fact I will be 40 in 16 days.

By now I thought I would be married with children. My dad would have walked me down the aisle.

But none of this has happened.

Im single, never dated, no children.

I have been thinking of how my life would be if in 5 years none of this still has not changed.

Will I travel the world, foot loose and fancy free. Periodically seeing my family. Enjoying life unattached. Or will I have met my person?

In today's world who knows with overseas travel stalled, cruises being cancelled each month, social distancing.

Its an interesting time to be alive.

Anything can happen or be adapted to suit post covid times.

#turning40 #lifesitations #single #travel #itsallinyourhead

Father's Day

 Growing up father's day was fun. Getting / making my dad a gift was fun. Seeing him smile on receiving my card and present was fun. Getting a hug from him was fun.

Then in 2012 my dad was diagnosed with cancer with two weeks to live not fun. Sending him a bear with a card saying just beginning to fight was optimistic. Him calling the bear fighter was fun. Texting my dad during his treatment was fun. 

Dad was getting treatment, surgery, healthy it was good. Pain beyond his pain management plan and more cancer was not good. Watching him prepare to die and go through palliative care really sucked.

The night i got the call after a normal day broke my heart. The years since have been not the same. Grief sucks. Lead up to days like birthdays, father's day and Christmas really suck as I get emails, tv ads and catalogues encouraging people to purchase stuff for their dads. 

As I am writing this blog tears are streaming down my face as my heart hurts because in 17 minutes its father's day and my dad is not here. 

Father's day reminds me that I no longer buy presents or cards for fathers day instead i post a tribute to my brother whose a dad, to my uncles (my mums brothers) who reach out to me to make im ok on days like birthdays or fathers day. Right now I am not ok. I am sad and processing my emotions. But tomorrow when i wake up and focus on other people at my job. Because that is what I do to get through the hard times and go home. Eat junk food, post my tribute and binge watch tv to refill my tank mentally to continue living life and hopefully find the good moments during Father's Day

I miss you daddy - happy father's day in heaven 

I'm different

I have known I was different for awhile and when I was younger as a child I was oblivious which was good cause ignorance is bliss.

I discovered along the way I'm an introvert, am intelligent but not academic. 

I care about people, feel uncomfortable in big social groups.

I feel self conscious, at times miss social cues, at times do not care about social cues, I can read body language if I am being observant.

I am a peace maker.

I want people to listen to what I have to say and not know how to politely intercept a conversation to put forward my point of view with people smarter than me or I feel inferior around.
Having someone tell me I will be even more different and being aware of it. Makes me resistant to testing.

Due to being a carer I know a lot about people considered different due to physical and mental affects that may or may not be changed or improved. 

Plan B Wish list

Im nearly forty, single, no kids and it seems impossible to my overthinking brain.

I have decided to make two life plan wish lists for the next 20 years. One for my ultimate dream and the other my Plan B list that will kick in 5 years. There will be crossovers but if I am destined to be single and the aunty that has fun then i need a back up plan.

I will dream big, not let current circumstances limit my lists. Anything is possible! Will post them once I have 20 items on each. 

I am putting my wish list in writing. As Steve Harvey quote the bible - you have not because you ask not.

Well i am asking - God I am going to ask for Big things, expand my mind with  no limitations to dream the impossible!